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Getting yourself to start counseling can feel like a daunting task. Even when you want to go you’ll wait months, even years, to make the call and schedule the appointment. Often I find the hesitancy to start is out of apprehension and uncertainty. Here are five insights into the counseling process that might take some of the mystery out and help you get started.
It’s a Relationship
The counseling relationship is in fact a relationship. Sometimes we treat counseling the way we might treat a doctor’s office visit. We go in, tell the Doctor our symptoms, we listen to the expert diagnose and treat it, and then we leave. While your counselor, like the doctor, is in some ways viewed as the “expert,” the direction they provide exists in the context of a relationship. As in any relationship, they bring something and you bring something. The help a counselor offers is effective because there is a mutual relationship of collaboration. It is not a one sided verbal dump or a one sided expert’s treatment. It’s conversation where you share your thoughts, feelings, and heart and the counselor engages with you in that process. Considering it a relationship alleviates some of the intimidation in starting the process.
It Takes Time to Build
Like all relationships, it takes time to build a trusting, comfortable bond. You will hopefully feel safe to share even in your first appointment, but your connection and rapport will grow and deepen over time. One of my favorite parts of my counseling relationships is experiencing them become symbiotic. I love when my clients and I know each other well enough to laugh together, for them to come in and plop down on the couch with comfort, for them to tell me they know I’ll like or won’t like something they are about to say, or when I tell them about something I saw outside of the office that reminded me of them. This kind of knowing each other takes time, but when a client has invested long enough to get there, it is one of the highlights of the experience for both of us and creates a richer space for the work they want to do. Be patient and remember you’re building this relationship as you would any other-over time.
You Have a Say
In every relationship, both parties have a say in how things are going. One misconception about counseling is that the counselor drives everything and the client can’t weigh in or express their dislike of something. I want my clients’ feedback on what is working for them or what they are struggling with. Even with clients who want the counselor to direct most of the session, their voice still matters and they are welcome to come with questions and opinions. Talking through those things and together collaborating on where to go next is all part of the process.
Additionally, you have a say in whether or not you are connecting with your counselor. Just like in real life, you won’t connect perfectly with every person you meet. If the relationship isn’t working for you, it is ok to explore other counselors. There are many styles and approaches to counseling and you get to decide what you resonate with and what is most effective for you.
Finally, you have the say in how much you get out of the experience. You drive how much you want to share, how engaged you want to be, how often you want to go, how much work you put in, even what you want to change. Your work is your work and the counselor is there to direct and help as much as you are willing, but not to force you or manipulate your process.
It’s a Cumulative Process
This is one of the more important pieces of counseling. The counseling process is cumulative, much like exercise. When you first start working out, you may notice you’re a little sore the next day, but you don’t see major results immediately. It takes time to build those muscles or to grow your endurance. Counseling is a process of work that shows itself over time. Don’t give up before your work pays off. There are few things in life that can be solved immediately. Give yourself and your counselor the time your growth deserves. Occasionally someone says to me, “Counseling wasn’t helpful for me.” The common theme with those who say this is that they didn’t give it time or engage with the practice so they couldn’t experience the cumulative work pay off. Stay the course, sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. There are wins along the way, but remember when you’re discouraged by not seeing instant results, that you are building new muscles. One day, you’ll realize you are lifting twenty pounds more than you used to!
It’s Easier than You Think
If I could say anything to help ease you into taking the leap into counseling it is this: It is so much easier to get started than you think! I can’t count the number of clients who say after our first session, “That was so much better than I thought it would be!” It’s intimidating to walk into a stranger’s office and start sharing your story. It’s vulnerable and exposing. But I find that once people start talking they feel a relief in being able to say what they’ve been spinning around on their own. The counselor is ready to ask questions and guide conversation if you get stuck. All you have to do is show up.